The Comprehensive Sex Party Guide - Part 1
Ever wondered what goes on at a sex party? Looking to find your first event? We'll explain what you need to know to have a great time, regardless of your experience. Whether you are excited, nervous, or curious, you'll find information to help you navigate this sex-positive experience.
In part one of this series you will learn about these topics:
- What is a Sex Party?
- What Does a Ticket Get You at a Sex Party?
- Types of Sex Parties, Erotic Events, and Play Parties
- Mindset before attending a sex party
- Finding Your First Play Party
- Online Search
- Using FetLife to find BDSM Events and Play Parties
- Word of Mouth
- Making an Effort to Get Into the Community
Let’s get into it!
What is a Sex Party?
A sex party, also known as a play party, is a consensual event gathered around sexual activities for adults to explore their desires in a private or semi-public setting. “Sexual activities” covers a broad range of party types, from an Eyes Wide Shut private gala to a hotel room with a few open couples.
Image Source: Torture Garden
The term “Sex Party” can get misinterpreted. For example, there are dance clubs, public dungeons, kink events, and bars where no sexual intercourse is allowed, but the party is explicitly sexual. An event where sex isn’t allowed is not a “sex party"; you could call those events “play parties” because people are exploring sexual kinks such as spanking, flogging, D/s, pet play, latex, bondage, shibari, tickling, or even sex in a party setting. So, a sex party has sex, and a play party might have sex.
The venue, the party rules, and the organizer’s intent will determine what the party is about. If you’ve never been to a sex party or play party, keep in mind:
- Most organizers are trying to create a fun, sexy environment for people to safely explore an alternative lifestyle.
- Millions of people go to sex parties. (9% according to a small Cosmopolitan survey).
- Whatever you think a sex party is, the reality will be different.
- Being a curious, respectful voyeur is welcomed at any public event.
What Does a Ticket Get You at a Sex Party?
Thousands of kinky parties are happening every weekend all over the world. Most events are publically accessible by ticket purchase; some require a vetting process. Sex is not guaranteed at these events just because you bought a ticket.
Events may include a play-to-play option. For example, FootNight is a play party for foot fetishists where you can pay for feet interaction, but no sex is allowed anywhere at the party. Think strip club rules, but with feet.
A ticket purchase for any sex party just gives you access to the space. There may be a dance floor, bar, lounge areas, BDSM space, and sex area. Sex is allowed, but only in certain places. So don’t expect to have sex in the DJ booth or at the bar.
Types of Sex Parties, Erotic Events, and Play Parties
Swingers Parties
These parties are designed for couples and sometimes singles interested in swapping partners, group play, and many forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Not all sex parties are swinger parties, but all swinger parties are sex parties.
Note that many couples start with “soft swinging,” which is having sex with only their partner but in a room with others. Couples who open up slightly might identify as “monogamish” - sorta monogamous.
Kink & BDSM Play Parties
These events focus on power dynamics, fetishes, and various forms of kink play, such as bondage, dominance, submission, or impact play. They are often held in dungeons or specialized venues with the necessary furniture and spaces for safe, consensual play. Some sex parties may allow people to participate in BDSM, but many BDSM parties do not allow sex.
For example, you can attend the fully public Folsom Street Fair completely naked and spank your consenting partner in front of hundreds of people, but the police will give you a citation if you attempt to have sex.
RELATED ARTICLE: The Ultimate Guide to Forced Orgasms - Part 1
Hotel Takeover or Cruise
An event organization such as Dark Odyssey or Bliss Cruise will book out an entire hotel (or two) or cruise ship just to have a giant play party. These events, although massive, can be great for beginners because they’re well organized and often have workshops to learn and engage in the lifestyle. Powerpoint presentations and orgies at the Hilton, who knew?
The larger public events will have specific rules on activities, photography, dress code, and etiquette. There are volunteers and sometimes paid staff to monitor play and resolve any problems.
Private Play Parties
This is where everything gets gray. Some parties evolve into unplanned sex parties, and some planned sex parties evolve into playing Mario Kart.
A private invitation-only sex party is typically at the host’s home or a home they rented. Ideally, the guest list is curated to ensure everyone is comfortable and compatible, and the host(s) takes on the responsibility to resolve any issues. At a party where anything can happen..well, anything can happen.
Small private events can be intimidating for newbies since you can’t blend into the crowd when there is no crowd.
Munches
These are not play parties or sex parties. A munch is a meetup for people to socialize with like-minded folks in public spaces like restaurants or bars, with everyone dressed in everyday street attire. Attending a munch may be required as part of the vetting process before attending certain events or venues.
Mindset before attending a sex party
Feeling conflicted or insecure about attending a play party is to be expected. The mix of excitement, nerves, and emotional challenges can be overwhelming, especially for first-timers. All play parties are an intense experience, so emotional readiness is just as important as physical preparation.
Before attending, reflect on why you desire to attend this party, what you want, and what you need. For some, the need is just, “I want to see what it’s like.” Decide what are your hard limits and soft limits.
Manage your expectations: Many first-timers attend to observe, learn, and get a feel for the environment. Even people who have lived the lifestyle for decades may not participate in some events. A good mindset is rooted in low expectations and high possibilities.
Prepare to socialize: You’ll realize that socializing at a sex party can be just like anywhere else. Only with less, “Where ya from? What do you do?”
- Common questions:
- How do you identify?
- How long have you been on the scene?
- How long have you been into (a specific kink)?
- What got you into this community?
- What are you looking for?
Keep an open mind: All of these events emphasize a judgment-free, sex-positive atmosphere, with a focus on consent, safety, and self-expression. You may see people doing things that turn you off. Remember that they’re free to explore their sexuality, you do not have to participate (or even watch), and you can always leave. Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum.
Couples’ Mindset
Communicating openly with your partner about your expectations and setting clear boundaries is essential for couples. You can go with the flow at the party, but having an initial understanding of hard and soft limits will keep you from venturing too far downstream in the moment.
Image Source: SNCTM
Remember that you can always play with each other exclusively.
Many people default to not playing at their first party or two. Some people never have sex at these parties. Just being in a sexually charged space is enough to fulfill a sexual need. Remember, taking things at your own pace is perfectly fine—there’s no rush to dive into the deep end. Attending a sex party, no matter how much you play or don’t play, can be a liberating experience.
Finding Your First Play Party
Online Search
When searching Google for sex or kink events in your area, you’ll find a few types of sites in your results.
Type 1 - Sites that list various events filtered by location. This may also be the ticketing processor or a social media site.
Examples:
- Eventbrite - Example search for BDSM events in Los Angeles
- MeetUp - Example search for Kink Meetups in Denver
- Shibari.events - Specific to Shibari. You can search for venues, presenters, or even your city
- Kasidie.com - Social community devoted to the ENM Lifestyle (Ethical, Non-Monogamous)
- SDC.com - Swinging lifestyle community
-
Plura - connect with polyamorous, kink, spiritual, queer, and alternative communities.
Type 2 - Organizations that produce specific types of parties. The organizers often have the same rules at every party, and the parties may change locations. The goal is to build a community around specific kinks and lifestyles.
Examples:
- Naughty Events - Adult parties, cruises, and resort vacations
- SNCTM - Private members club hosting black-tie erotic events and fetish classes.
- Omeni - A nonmonogamous community.
- Montreal Fetish Weekend - Large annual hotel takeover kink event.
- Krazy Kasbh - Events to bring the kink, swinger, and polyamorous lifestyle together
- Torture Garden - Worldwide fetish clothing required play party.
Image Source: Dark Odyssey
Type 3 - Venues, Dungeons, and Clubs. These spaces are made specifically for play parties. They may have BDSM furniture, beds, swings, or stages, and most require vetting and membership. Checking for upcoming events with a club is a good idea, as only some events will be your cup of tea.
Examples:
- Insomnia - Berlin
- Hit Me Up - NYC
- Threshold Society - Los Angeles
- Scarlet Ranch - Colorado
- Power Exchange - San Francisco
- Trapeze Club - Atlanta & Fort Lauderdale
Using FetLife to find BDSM Events and Play Parties
FetLife.com is THE social network for the BDSM, Fetish, & Kinky Community. You can find events, post content, join discussions on group forms, and connect with individual people.
FetLife is the best place to find a munch in your area.
Some useful FetLife bookmarks (must be logged in to access):
- Events Near Me - FetLife search for your local events
- Novices & Newbies Group - Largest discussion form for beginner questions
- Advice on Finding Events - Post in Novices & Newbies
- Motorbunny’s FetLife Profile
- PS—If you organize events and have a Motorbunny at your parties, please invite us to the event on FetLife. People following @Motorbunny on FetLife will see that we will " attend” your event.
Word of Mouth
If you know, you know. Certain parties are organized privately offline; even listed parties can be tricky to find. To find your way into these events, you will have to get to know someone in the community.
Two ways to get into the community:
- Know someone.
- Start attending events.
For the BDSM community, munches are a fantastic first step. If you can’t find a munch on FetLife, try messaging the local event organizers or venues with a message like this: “I’m interested in attending one of your upcoming parties. Are there any regular munches in the area or groups in the lifestyle that meet regularly that I can connect with before attending a party?”
Making an Effort to Get Into the Community
There are people who attend a sex party once, decide it’s not for them, and never return. However, millions of people identify deeply with these events and spaces. Finding a community you connect with can take years, and all the online searching will never circumvent showing up in person. Know that it takes people time and effort to get into any “Lifestyle.” If you are committed, and the play party lifestyle interests you, you will find something special.
In Part Two, we dive deeper into what happens after you find an event, how to review the party’s rules, dress codes, and what to bring to the party.